Hooves: To SxSW and back

For those of you who are unfamiliar with us, we’re Hooves. We’re a rock ‘n’ roll band who moved to Bellingham from Phoenix. Anyhow, we were offered a handful of shows at SXSW, and decided we could take the break from reality and take our rock ‘n’ roll show on the road.
Naturally it starts out in Bellingham. We set up a kick off with Keaton Collective, Half Bees, and our favorite Seattle band, The MadCaps. Show went drunk, uncontained chaos. We started screaming at each other ala Anton Newcombe after a false start, surprisingly that was the only real fight we got into the whole tour. All in all we had a great time, went home to kiss our ladies and prepare for the month ahead.
Hungover we took our van to the shop for an oil change.. Turns out we should’ve paid heed to Better Business Bureau placard that expired in ’05. Thankfully only three of the cylinders needed replacing costing us $1,200! Chris was stoked though, he loves ONLY eating Taco Bell. So we pay the man and head to Seattle. Show was decent enough, played with some Bluegrass bands, hung out with some friends, were given drugs, Brian broke rule #1. (Rule #1 is the only rule we had at this point, make sure you have your phone on you at all times.) He left it at a bar, surprisingly people only steal iPhones, and it was there in the morning. On to Portland.
Stayed with our friends, The Wild Ones, they let us watch TerrorVision, while they (no shit) went on a bike ride to Whole Foods followed up by some cribbage in the park (i.e. Portlandia). They didn’t come to the show because we were making fun of them, and they were on the Cayenne Cleanse. We had a pretty big write up in the Portland alternative rag, so the show was great.
If you ever go to Portland, there’s a strip club called Devil’s Point. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to go there. Not only do all the ladies look like Suicide Girls, but their gymnastic abilities are about as impressive as Kerri Strug circa ’96. They will also pussy punch you in the face. HARD.
Boise, ID on a Saturday night sounds like a blast, right? Well, the promoter got fired and despite us following up with the owner about the show, they dropped the ball on us. No promotion, no locals, no one there. Facebook is a great promotional tool, so about 20-30 people showed, including Bear. Bear is in his mid 60s, has the biggest handlebar mustache you’ve ever seen, hates going to weddings with his wife (who he referred to as his young bride), only drinks Diet Soda, and fucking loves us. Some gutter punk chicks ended up renting a hotel room, we ended up sleeping on the floor, on to the next show.
The next few shows were pretty fun. Salt Lake City was surprisingly as Mormon as we expected, but they love music and we had a really great time. Brian broke Rule #2 in the hotel room. (Rule #2 Don’t leave dirty underwear on the kitchen table.) Lincoln, NE. Never ever ever go there.
Minneapolis was next. Played a sold out show with Pitchfork adored IAMDYNAMITE, signed autographs, did a really great in studio at Radio K, threw pizza at a girl in white, Brian slept in the van, got told our passports weren’t valid forms of id, and nearly froze to death. Drove a bunch to Chicago, show sucked but the beers were free. Drove some more, stopped to get milkshakes which took about 45 minutes, Tony was really bummed out about this. The whole tour we were taking bets on who was going to snap first. We really thought the milkshake incident would put him over the edge, but he managed to power through it.
Despite Louisville having pictures of old men on all of its buildings downtown, which makes it the anti-Vegas, it was really great. We played with a Talking Heads cover band, who didn’t play Road to Nowhere (kidding), and then went to our friend Jason’s house where we drank whiskey, talked about the old days, played with shotguns, and took pictures of us wearing chef masks.
Nashville is amazing, but 45 minutes East is Murfreesboro. Played a fun show there, but the promoter was a twit. She said I had “sweet eyes” but after yelling at her for ripping us off she probably changed her mind.
Birmingham is awesome. The bar we played at never closes, and it has the crabbiest sound guy you could ever ask for. A crazy local bought a shirt and a round of shots, then asked us to turn the shirt into a v-neck while she was wearing it. Thankfully we never leave home without our Bowie Knife.

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We blasted through the South straight to SXSW; shows were awesome. Saw a bum do a one arm push up for 35 cents, nothing too crazy though, so back on the road.
Phoenix, our hometown, was obviously great. At 9 a.m. we had to do a radio show, where Chris smoked Salvia on-air, and we all watched his brain melt. The DJ gave us tequila and dynamite, we hung out for a bit, and then headed to the venue. We packed the place, then got in a big fight with the headlining band over our guarantee. We ended up pulling out the Bowie knife and the dynamite to settle everything down. Happy that the outcome turned to our favor, it was time to hit the road.
For the rest of the tour we were pretty comfortable living in the van, and just ran with it. Took us two more weeks to get to Bellingham. All in all, from what I can remember, we had a great time. I feel like I can sum up a day of tour as struggling for 23 hours to get an hour of fun. It’s great to be back, but it’s better to be gone.